T E X T
The new phone call etiquette
Phone calls have been around for 147 years, the iPhone 16 years and FaceTime video voice mails about a week. Not surprisingly, how we make calls has changed drastically alongside advances ∈ technology. Now people can have conversations ∈ public on their smartwatches, see voice mails transcribed ∈ real time and dial internationally midday without stressing about the cost.
The phone norms also change quickly, causing some people to feel \left behind or confused. The unwritten rules of chatting on the phone differ wildly between generations, leading to misunderstandings and frustration on all sides.
We spoke to an etiquette expert and people of all ages about their own phone pet peeves to come up with the following guidance to help everyone navigate phone calls ∈2023. These will vary depending on your relationship, your age and the context of the call. The closer you are to someone, the less the rules apply. Go ahead, FaceTime your mom with no warning while brushing your teeth.
Tips to help you be a better phone caller:
Voice mails are an artifact of the days before text messages. If you have information that needs to be communicated ∈ an accurate, timely manner, you’re far better off putting it into writing as a text or email.
The exceptions for the no-voice-mail rule are calling people who would love to hear your voice no matter what you’re saying, or sharing some kind of audio experience. Think besties and immediate family members singing happy birthday, a dispatch from friends at a Taylor Swift concert or a simple “I love you.”
If you have a long juicy story you want to tell, consider sending it ∈a voice memo instead. It’s the best medium for a monologue.
Calling someone without warning can feel stressful to the recipient. Instead, text them ahead of time to ask if they’re free to talk now, if they can you call when they’re free, or if they can pick a time they’d like to chat. If it’s someone you call regularly, find out what their ideal times are, like after work or only on Sunday afternoons.
Wording and context are key for these pre-call texts. A simple “call me” text can feel urgent and make someone think there’s an emergency. Clarify if it’s urgent or just to catch-up. If it’s about a specific topic, mention it ∈ the text what it is you’d like to talk about so they can be prepared.
These steps are especially necessary for video calls. Catching someone on video at an unexpected time can be embarrassing for all involved. You should almost never start a FaceTime or other video call without warning.
You don’t need to answer the phone. The responsibility isn’t only on the person dialing. Just because someone is calling you out of the blue does not mean you have to pick up. If you’re ∈a restaurant, using the bathroom or ∈a meeting, mute the call and get back to them at a convenient time. “We all have control of our phones and can decide if it’s the \right time to answer it,” said Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-president at the Emily Post Institute.
To be even more polite, send them a text. Smartphones will let you send an automated text response when you can’t answer.
Many things don’t need to be a phone call at all. When you’re trying to decide on the best method of communication, consider what it is you want to say. Anything requiring nuance like opinions or emotional matters are best done over the phone, including arguments, catching up or connecting on a personal level. Factual updates, coordinating plans or anything that is more cut and dried often work best ∈ writing. If something is complicated and will drag on too long as a text chain, go ahead and ask if they can talk.
“Nobody has a good fight via text message,” says Post. “I get that sometimes it feels better to fight via text because you’re not actually confronting the person, but you get through it a lot faster on the phone.”
If someone doesn’t answer your call, do not hang up and immediately call them again. If they have not responded to your text about the call they missed, do not send them an email about it. If it is an emergency, clearly state that \right away ∈a text message.
Voice mails are dead. Long live the video voice mail. Apple recently introduced a new feature ∈ its iOS 17 update that lets you leave a video message when someone doesn’t answer your FaceTime call. It’s silly and fun and should be used that way, but keep ∈ mind not everyone will find them delightful.
It’s generally considered bad form to use speakerphone ∈ public. Whether it’s a regular call, video call or smartwatch call, use headphones or save it for later. Headphones only solve half of the problem, however, as people still have to hear your side of the conversation. If you’re ∈a crowded area, like an office or store, be aware of other people’s personal and your own volume.
Video calls ∈ public are also a sensitive issue. There are strangers around you who did not consent to being on camera, and they might also see something they’re not supposed to on your screen. Frame your shots accordingly.
Phone calls aren’t dead! While hopping on the phone may be less common or involve more planning than it used to, it’s still a wonderful way to communicate. Talking to a person ∈ real time can strengthen relationships, improve mental health and lessen loneliness.
Adapted from: https://www.washingtonpost.com/2023/09/25/
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